The Oxford Language dictionary defines the world resolution as:
noun
1. a firm decision to do or not to do something.
2. the quality of being determined or resolute.
I’ve always been impressed by the thought of resolutions. Not in a New Year’s resolution sense, when people tell me they’re going to lose weight this year and inevitably…they don’t. In the sense of Nicolas Cage reading out some of the Declaration of Independence in the film National Treasure or in reading the 70 resolutions of Jonathan Edwards.
In the light of pregnancy, I have drawn up a set of resolutions, in discussion with my husband. Mostly they’ve come from seeing things expectant parents or new parents do that i’d like to not do myself.
For those of you that are already thinking how arrogant of me, just bear in mind I said resolutions. My self awareness is good enough to know that I won’t be able to keep these at all times. They are what I am setting out to try and achieve as much as possible. I’d much rather think about how I want to act and then fail sometimes, rather than just ploughing into things without thinking about them.
The list is made in my limited wisdom and experience, so I’m sure that i will constantly need to review it.
1. Don’t announce your pregnancy without thinking about your audience
A baby announcement is really fun, right? You’re so excited to start telling your family and friends the news. Social media is full of cute baby announcements and clips of telling your spouse or grandparents that will probably make you cry. And when you’re excited, you’re not always thinking very objectively.
The problem with that is that you’re not always thinking about how your audience will receive the news. And when you’re making announcements in scale such as on social media, you can’t tell how it will be taken.
Yes some people are going to be so delighted at the news. But there will be some who will have a really, really hard time hearing that news. People who are longing to be married and have a family but it’s just not happened for them. People who have been struggling with infertility. People who have lost babies through miscarriage or stillbirths. People who have lost a baby to SIDS. And if they are walking through that time of immense pain and tragedy, hearing the news about someone else’s pregnancy will be really tough.
It’s not to say that you can’t tell those people your news, especially if they are close to you. My perspective is I need to think about how to tell them. If they are already suffering, try to do it in a way that minimises their pain.
I’m not going to announce it on social media. I’m not saying that’s wrong for you to do. i’ve seen the pain of a close family member getting hurt watching people put on glib announcements and that’s something I’ve decided not to do. Although if you put the scan picture up with the words ‘Is it a bird…Is it a plane…no its a baby?’ i’m going to judge you a little…
If I am in control of telling people, I can manage that message more. For those who won’t find the news difficult I can get excited and creative. For those that will find it harder, I will try to be as sensitive as possible. This might include telling them separately before I announce it to the rest of the family or the friendship group, so they’ve had time to take the news in and think about their reactions when they ‘hear the news’. And if it’s to a larger group, I will try to keep it low key because I can’t ensure who will be hearing that who is facing some of these issues that i’m not aware of.
2. Don’t complain about being pregnant
I’m reading the book ‘What to expect when you’re expecting’ at the moment. The list of side effects are incredibly long, and you only have to ask a pregnant lady to know it’s not always the ‘glowing’ time that some people would lead you to believe. A close family member suffered from hyperemesis for 3 pregnancies. That meant either vomiting or feeling nauseous for 27 months, bouncing in and out of hospitals or taking additional medication. It’s not easy.
If you’re talking to your spouse, your parents or a group of pregnant ladies, sure complain away. But similar to my last point, if you don’t know the people well enough, don’t complain about being so tired, or about being constipated, or about vomiting, or about the hemorrhoids. Because you don’t know who is desperately trying to get pregnant after 2 years of trying or who has been told they can’t ever conceive.
Complaining about how tired your feet are isn’t going to be helpful for them. They’d love to have tired feet or be vomiting if it meant they were pregnant. Not only are you able to do something they want more than anything, but you’re complaining about it.
3. Don’t talk about pregnancy (or babies) to those without babies
Ok, I get people are super excited about becoming a parent or having a kid. But seriously, for someone who doesn’t have children it’s incredibly dull most of the time. Of course it’s a part of your life and you should talk about it. But just not all the time.
I’m going to try and limit all baby talk to a minimum with people who don’t have kids. If they want to talk about it that’s fine, but otherwise I’ll stick to more interesting topics for that person. Anyway, I don’t want to forget how to talk about normal stuff.
4. Don’t forget to talk beyond babies with your spouse
Everyone jokes that once you get married you only text about whether there’s enough milk and once you have a baby you only text about if they’ve done a poo that day. I’ve heard a lot of parents say they are guilty of this, I’ve seen couples whose children dominate their every waking moment and I’m sure it’s a really easy habit to slip into.
But I don’t want to fall into it. Or when I fall into it, I want to climb back out again quickly. I’ve spent 16 years talking to my husband.. We have worked really hard to not let marriage turn us into ‘Did you remember to pick up the milk? couple, and it’s something we’ll have to work really hard to guard against as parents.
I still want to talk to him about Lord of the Rings or current events, or laugh about our families or debate who’s going to win the next formula one. That might mean times we ban talking about children or planning to talk about something rather than slipping into the day to day house stuff when on date night. I’m sure we’ll need to get some advice from parents on this.
5. Don’t spend unnecessary money on baby accessories
Googling baby stuff or walking into someone’s house with children can be quite simply alarming at how much stuff there is. I was trying to make a list of things I needed to buy and I reviewed a few lists on the internet. And I can’t believe you need ALL that. It seems the marketeers have been busy.
We have a small house, and a limited disposable income. So i’m going to have a list of things we absolutely need (like a car seat or a cot) and try to really question each item before i add it to that list. I’m sure it’s hard if other parents love it, or if it looks adorable, or if it promises a stress free experience. I’m also trying to get as much as I can passed on from family or church, apart from the things that need to be brand new.
Buying less stuff helps the house to be less cluttered, saves money, is better for the planet and helps me on my minimalist journey. That’s the goal, so I’m going to try to keep myself honest to my outgoings here.
6. Don’t compare your pregnancy with others
I know this is going to be the hardest one to keep. I naturally tend to compare myself against my peers and get insecure. I’ve been trying to stop comparing, and be thankful for others’ gifts, but I’m a work in progress.
But for parents or pregnant ladies it seems to be almost inevitable.
‘Of course her pregnancy is easier, she doesn’t have to work’
‘My bump looks so much better than hers’
‘Lockdown is so much harder for me, because their children can still go to school’
‘My child is already walking and hers still isn’t crawling ’
‘It’s so unfair i’m vomiting everyday and she’s having that pregnancy glow’
‘It’s easy for her, her child is always sleeping through the night’
I’m aiming to remind myself every time I compare (negatively or overly positively) that everyone’s life is different. I so often have no idea what other people are going through. I don’t know why things happen the way they do. But that’s ok. We’re not all meant to be the same or experience everything the same way. The only thing I need to focus on is what I’m responsible for and that’s me and anyone in my care. And most importantly my attitude. I can choose to be kind, and grateful for everything i do have.
7. Don’t forget to ask for advice from brilliant parents
I feel very imcomptent for this huge task ahead of me. We feel very incomptent. I know it’s better to be in this place rather than in the ‘how hard can it be?’ camp. I know we’re going to need a lot of help and wisdom to do at least a marginally good job.
We’ve always talked about people who we think are brilliant parents, people who we have really admired for setting the tone in their family and times when we’ve seen a lot of wisdom displayed in parenting. We’re planning on asking all of those people for advice. We’re also listening to brilliant podcasts like Five Minute Fatherhood and reading helpful books like Paul David Tripp books on parenting.
8. Don’t be rude when people offer unwanted advice
As soon as someone knows you’re pregnant, chances are they might offer you some of their top tips. Whether it was asked for or not…It’s often coming out of a place of kindness, but when it’s unasked for, it’s not always welcome. Especially if it’s from someone who’s parenting style is going to be vastly different from yours.
But if it’s terrible advice, I don’t need to get annoyed and obviously roll my eyes the minute their back is turned. I can smile and thank them, and change the conversation subtly. I can think about how their motives are good and how they are trying to help. It might have been great advice when their children were babies 30 years ago. At the end of the day, advice is just that. Something that you can choose to take on board, or not. If it’s dreadful advice, just have a giggle with your spouse or make a list to look back on when you need to smile.
Finally, always work as a team
There’s nothing like sitting in between couples who are arguing about whose turn it is to change a nappy. Or who should have got up with the baby last night. It’s painfully awkward as a bystander. And it doesn’t give a very healthy picture of their relationship. If that’s happening in front of other people, you can’t help but wonder what the arguments are like when they’re alone .
I want to be on a team, not in a constant fight.
I don’t want to be keeping a list of whose turn it is. I don’t want to be passive aggressive to my husband in public. I don’t want to get more and more angry about something my husband is doing or not doing.
I want to be teammates.
That means when the other person is doing something that isn’t helping or it’s making me struggle, we talk about it and find a resolution.
It means we play to our strengths and support the others weaknesses.
It means we have to train together – when the situations aren’t ideal or when we don’t feel like it.
It means we never talk badly about the other person to others because ultimately that only hurts the team and makes it weaker.
I know it’s easy to write this on this side of a sleepless night, teething, and temper tantrums. But this is what I’m aiming for. Being a good team. A team full of grace, kindness and laughter. And maybe one day my child will look at us and think ‘That’s a pretty great team’.
