We’re at an interesting cultural moment.
Whilst for a long time expectation was heavily weighted towards women getting married and having babies as soon as possible regardless of any circumstances, culture has more recently swung too far the other way. There’s almost a disdain of women having children, the media is praising women who have bravely decided to focus on their career or simply declare they don’t want to put someone else’s needs before their own for the next 20 years. If a woman does have a baby, then the hope is that after maternity leave, the woman is back working full time so that having a baby doesn’t affect her career and ambitions too much. There is an acceptance of perhaps having one or two children, as long as it doesn’t affect your lifestyle too much or cause you too much inconvenience.
Will we ever seem to meet in between the two extremes, where having children and life looking different is celebrated but not at the expense of a woman’s wellbeing and needs?
The cultural zeitgeist makes for an interesting conundrum to Christian couples. On getting married, is it biblical to ‘fill the earth’ as soon as possible? The world around us whispers ‘your dreams and goals first’ whilst the old Christians in our church keep asking if we’re broody one month into marriage.
Who do you listen to? Where is the right balance?
Life is simply too nuanced for a perfect answer. Many people have had children immediately and wouldn’t change it for the world. Many people have waited a while and found that helpful. This is not to cast judgment on either camp.
My cautious belief is that there is wisdom in waiting to have children, but that the wait shouldn’t be indefinite with no clear timeline.
It’s good to have children.
Having children is a literal mandate from God. We see the wisdom to create image bearers of God to care for the world, to create order from chaos and to bring our creativity and skills to bless it. We also see the wisdom in how God created family as a means to create a stable and solid community through healthy family units. Research is undeniable that when families function in their God ordained way, not only children, but the whole community benefits. Having children brings endless laughter and fun, but also causes endless sacrifices and hard work. It’s all part of God’s very good design.
It’s good to be wise about your own limits and needs.
Whilst parenthood demands a lot, it doesn’t mean you just rush into it blindly, without thinking about your circumstances. If you have just got married, chances are you still have a lot to learn about each other. It’s probably helpful to have some time where you start to figure each other out, learn how to be married together, learn how you both process emotions and situations. Because parenting is so full on, doing it with a teammate who knows what you’re struggling and where you’ll likely need more support is going to make that experience vastly better.
If you’re not in a great place either physically or mentally, it might be a better idea to focus on that and getting better rather than diving straight into parenting that you’re not equipped for right now, and could make you worse and equally is not going to be a good environment for a child. It may be that you’re actually a bit older, and so if you ever want biological children, realistically you have to start trying now.
It’s good to have children for the right reasons.
If you want to have a baby because you’re bored, dont.
If you want to have a baby because your relationship isn’t in a good place and you think this might reset it, dont.
If you want to have a baby to have a ‘mini me’, don’t.
If you want to have a baby because you don’t like your job, dont.
The importance of timing
When I got married, I knew two things needed to be in place if I was to ever survive as a parent. I needed my husband to have a remote job, because I knew i’d need extra support. And I knew my OCD was at a point where it wouldn’t have been sensible to have kids, I needed to be in a better place. My husband started remote working in 2020 and finally I had CBT during lockdown. After those two things were in place, my husband knew I was dragging my feet, gently spoke to me and we started trying. And 6 years into marriage we had our first child.
Our circumstances will be different than yours. I’m thankful that we took some time to just enjoy being the two of us. That we built a really solid base for our marriage before we started parenting. The way we understood each other six years in was so much better than year one. Parenting has been so challenging in many ways, but being able to do it alongside my husband has been an incredible journey because of the way he knows me, cares for me and loves me.
