Speaking to someone from my church who has just had her fourth baby with several other women around, she was asking me some questions about due dates and if I was ready.
The usual comment on the lines of ‘oh you will really find out what it means to be tired’ came (classic), followed by ‘oh but it’s just so easy with one’.
‘Oh but it’s just so easy with one’.
Effectively, what that statement means is – you aren’t allowed to struggle, because your situation is easier than others, which is ironic considering some mothers even find more advantages to having two babies over one.
It doesn’t even make logical sense
The comment ‘oh it’s so easy with just x’ isn’t logical. Because there is always someone out there who could have it harder. Always.
Yes, you might have 4 children, but the person with 5 could say the same. You might have a hard job, but someone else has a harder job.
You might want to be married, but someone else who is married is having a hard time. You might have a small house, but someone else has a smaller house.
You might miss your mum, but someone else might have lost both their parents. You might be struggling with a complex needs child, but someone else has two complex needs children.
You might be having a hard day, but you could be in a country at war. It’s dumb to just point out someone has it worse than you. Everyone knows this.
Why will mothers say this?
In whatever context someone says this, it’s telling the hearer they need to buck up because someone else has it harder than them, so they shouldn’t be struggling. It’s making them feel worse about something they are already feeling anxious or burdened by.
This is a backward step to moving towards a culture where people are more open to talking about their struggles.
If you’re struggling with something, that’s ok.
That’s permitted.
Even if someone has it worse than you, right now you are finding something hard and that’s ok. We are all different, in different situations, in different contexts and nobody is allowed to tell you you shouldn’t be finding something hard.
Maybe I do have just one baby, but I might still have a really hard time adjusting.
I might have postpartum depression or the baby might have severe health needs. Do I just need to buck up because someone else has 4 children so I shouldn’t complain? Of course not.
One of the best ways to get help is to tell people, so if I feel judged for struggling in my situation, I’m less likely to speak up. I’m more likely to go down the destructive path of ‘I’m so useless because I’m finding this situation hard and I shouldn’t’.
I struggle with OCD, I’ve been down that path a lot, and it never got better until I stopped beating myself up about it and accepted I was struggling.
Better pregnancy questions to ask
Why not ask better pregnancy questions – people who say this are often well-meaning, they’re not trying to be mean, but they aren’t thinking at all. And we need to think about what we say if the impact can be devastating to the hearer.
I can tell you for sure if I do have a hard time the last person I’ll go to for help would be her now.
If you’re talking to someone and the comment ‘at least it’s not..’ comes into your head just stop yourself.
Pause.
And then maybe ask them a question:
- How are you feeling about that?
- Are you finding that tough?
- Is there anything about that you’re not looking forward to?
- Is there anything I could do to make it easier?
Or maybe you could try and tell them something that would build them up instead about how they look well or something you’ve admired about them recently.
Don’t try to draw unhelp parallels or remind them someone else has it harder. Comparisons aren’t going to be helpful. Listen to that individual. Encourage them to talk about how they’re feeling. And if they are struggling, be there for them.
Offer to help.
Encourage them to seek out the help they need. Remind them you’re always there if they need to talk.
Don’t compare or put someone else down
So don’t be dumb. Don’t talk to someone and compare their life to someone else’s.
Don’t try and make yourself feel better about yourself by putting someone else down.
Be kind. Be there. Be encouraging. Be helpful. Be loving.
