Everyone’s journey with their in-laws will be different. I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how my journey has developed and some things I wish I’d learned earlier on. My journey is not a ‘happily ever after’ but rather simply learning more and more about how to move forward with grace and acceptance. And that’s ok. Sometimes life doesn’t resolve itself neatly in a bow.
I knew my in-laws for about three years before I started dating my husband, in fact, I would say I was close with the family.
As we were about to start dating I thought, this is perfect. I think his parents like me, I’m really close to particularly one of his sisters, so I’m already off to a head start. I love my family and was ready to feel like I had a second family…How naive can you be?
Within a week of telling them we were dating, his dad had taken me on a car trip to explain to me that he understood why we liked each other right now, as we were both young and hadn’t met many other people yet and his sister had stopped talking to both of us.
It became clear I wasn’t welcome in the family.
The details of the journey aren’t important. I actually try to forget them as they hurt me a lot and I think holding onto the memories wouldn’t help to move on.
Have realistic expectations
If I wasn’t expecting to be welcomed into the family as a new daughter, maybe I wouldn’t have been so crushed by the rejection.
If I hadn’t planned out in my head the rosy expectations of us taking family photos, enjoying family meals and holidays then I wouldn’t have been so disappointed. Although I did get on well with all the family, there’s no guarantee that changing the dynamic wouldn’t have had negative implications.
If I was restarting this, I would think ‘it’s ok if I’m not their ideal daughter-in-law or sister-in-law’. Give me that acceptance of myself and start working on being kind and gracious right away rather than withdrawing because I felt rejected.
Consider their point of view
I thought they should be happy because I made him happy. Surely that’s the most important thing? Well, yes I think this is true, but I probably didn’t factor in that parents have spent x amount of years planning for their child’s future and maybe their plan looked like a bubbly extravert wife who wanted to live abroad and be a missionary. Maybe what they ended up with looked so different they just had a hard time adjusting to that.
I think it’s wrong to plan out your child’s future like that, but regardless it must still be hard for them to accept that their plans weren’t going to work out.
But I shouldn’t have felt guilt that they planned someone different in their head for their son. I think I’m a pretty good fit for him, and he has flourished so much since we’ve been together into this brilliant man, partly because I’ve encouraged him to pursue what he wants rather than trying to force him down a path that wasn’t for him.
So as long as he was happy, I shouldn’t have let their parenting issues affect me so much.
Realise you’re building your own family rather than joining theirs
This is probably more applicable for people who start dating when they’re young, but because neither of you have left home or have the freedom that comes from being an adult you’re a bit more stuck in the ‘what’s right in front of you’. It felt like the end of the world sometimes that i wasn’t welcomed into the family.
Had i been a bit wiser, i would have been able to better comprehend that we were building our own family together and that’s where I was loved and cherished and accepted. Now that we’re married, it feels almost irrelevant that I’m not loved by them like a daughter.
Don’t compare
I couldn’t help it. I’d look at friends who had such easy relationships with their boyfriends/husbands’ families and feel so jealous. ‘Why am I not accepted like that?’ I used to wonder to myself. ‘If only he was part of their family it would be so much easier for me’.
Perhaps.
But the fundamental truth is that he came from the family that he did. It didn’t help me one bit to look longingly at how easily other people’s lives are (and they’re not always as functional as they look!). If i had spent more time looking down at my situation and less time distracted envying others, I could have moved on quicker.
Remember hard things aren’t always bad things
For all the hurt and upset it caused us, I look back and we had such a strong relationship from day one. Because it felt like we were constantly having to fight as a team to stay together. In a strange way, it forced us to be on the same page all the time. And we knew what we were fighting for was worth it.
We thought about everything as a team rather than as individuals. We learned how each of us responded to frustration, rejection, or disappointment and how to help each other. And that’s really important.
Take your experiences and learn from them
We spent so much time talking about how we felt about everything, and then how we could maybe prevent some of these things when we were older.
How would we react to our child dating someone we didn’t like? How could we stop ourselves planning out our child’s life and rather learn to support them to make their own decisions? How would we discipline our child who refused to speak to her brother’s girlfriend? How could we have done things differently? How could we be more mindful of our impact as a couple?
Don’t try to change them
I spent so long thinking of why they were wrong. Why they were immature. Why they were being selfish. How they could fix it.
It was a wasted effort.
I have no power to change other people. The only person I can change is myself. The only person for who I am accountable is myself. The only person whose behavior is within my sphere of control is mine. Spend the time working on yourself. That’s the only worthwhile investment of your time.
Don’t hold onto the bitterness
This is the hardest one for me. The selfish part of me wants to cling to those memories that caused me to feel so hurt. I called these the bedsheets of bitterness because about 4 years ago that’s what they bought me for Christmas, a duvet set.
It was kind of them to buy me a gift I know, but I couldn’t help but think is this how boring they think I am? I hid it under my bed for nearly 2 years because every time I saw it, it made me feel so angry. I know this is a light-hearted example but it shows me choosing to stay bitter about something rather than laugh about it and move on.
But the part of me that wants to be like Christ and be wise in my life knows how foolish that choice is. The choice I want to make is to accept them for who they are. I’m not perfect, why should I expect them to be? If I have been loved and forgiven, who am I to not extend this out to them?
What I’ve come to realise is it’s completely ok for them to not like me. That doesn’t change my worth or my value. My husband loves me far more than I deserve and I like to think I make his life better every day. The rest doesn’t really matter.
I’ve learned so much about myself on this journey so far. Whilst I still get exasperated at how they treat my husband when they come and stay particularly, I am coming to terms with the fact that I need to love them for who they are, not dislike them because they don’t care about me.
Maybe they’ll see one day that I’ve been a good wife to their son, but maybe they’ll always be disappointed with me. Ultimately, from my perspective, it doesn’t matter. I won’t choose to be bitter.
And yes, I even use the bedsheets now.
