This book was gifted to me by my sister-in-law recently as I was expecting my first child.
I started reading it a few weeks after the birth because I was struggling to finish the book I had been reading pre-baby – partly because finding the time was challenging and partly because it was quite a heavy book and in my sleep-deprived state I have to admit not a lot was sinking in.
It made me wonder whether my love of books was going to reduce alongside my entrance to motherhood. However, this book reassured me that I just needed to be more sensible about the books I’m picking in this season.
Elizabeth El Mostain writes with simplicity but the pages are loaded with wisdom and refreshing truth. She’s very open that she’s only writing from her experience of having 6 young children, that it’s not a primer on motherhood.
The structure of the book falls into 2 parts and I will highlight the most helpful sections I found.
Part 1: Tips for Looking after yourself
Look after your mental health
I’m a huge advocate for talking about mental health in general, but particularly for Christians as there has been so much unhelpful stigma and beliefs in the church in the past. It was therefore so powerful that she started on this subject, which she covered with pragmatism and understanding.
According to the NHS, postpartum depression affects 1 in 10 women, and nearly every woman experiences the ‘baby blues‘. It needs to always be talked about whenever motherhood is discussed (and remember it also affects dads too).
At 11 weeks postpartum I found it all so challenging, from birth to feeding, to learning a job without an instruction manual, to having to try and care for a tiny human who seems so fragile and work out how to be a good mum when I feel beyond inadequate.
When feeling overwhelmed, she recommends the below:
- Plan and prepare
Some things can’t be avoided, but you can make life a little less chaotic by planning and preparing in advance for little everyday affairs as well as any big events that are coming up.
- Remember that consistency doesn’t have to mean daily
Help yourself to feel less overwhelmed by being realistic in your expectations of how regularly you can do certain things.
- Live one day at a time
Whatever you are facing right now, don’t look in despair at all the difficulties looming over the next few weeks, just ask God for strength to do what you have to do today and simply do the next thing.
- Don’t forget your high calling and the value of your work as a mother
Your work as a mother, the work you do at home and the menial tasks you do to serve others are highly valuable and can have more impact for the world that you might never realise – those who care for and serve others are great in the Kingdom of God.
- Live in grace
Living in grace means admitting our weaknesses, recognising and learning from our errors, asking for forgiveness when we fail the Lord, our husbands and children then moving on resting in God’s love – we do not have to try to earn his favor by being perfect mothers. He knows your heart’s desire to be a good mum. He sees how much you love your children. He knows how tired you are. He is bigger than your problems. He has a plan for each of your children’s lives. It doesn’t all depend on you.
Looking after your spiritual health
I know the vast benefits of kindles and ebooks, but I have to admit I’m old-fashioned and love holding a book in my hand with a highlighter. Honestly, I felt this whole chapter needed to be highlighted, it was pure gold.
Since having my little girl, it was very clear that free time was going to be a challenge.
My husband has worked so hard to make his work as flexible as possible so he can give me an hour to myself in the day, but although I’ve often thought ‘I need to read my bible’ the need for a nap has won nearly every single time.
And it’s made me feel guilty.
How I used to have my quiet just isn’t sustainable right now and I’ve had to try and adapt to reading bite sized amounts on my early morning feed as I know it’s the only time I know I will have consistently.
Combine my lack of bible reading with the feeling that I’m just not a good mum. Everything has been such a struggle and it’s just felt like such hard work.
Previously with everything I’ve done, if I’ve worked hard I’ve been able to be relatively successful. I feel I’ve worked so hard in the last 11 weeks but I don’t feel like I’ve done a good job.
It’s not been natural to me and there has been a lot that I’ve not enjoyed, and everyone telling me what a wonderful time it is and how much to enjoy every minute has made me feel even more guilty for struggling through the fourth trimester.
She writes:
‘He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms, he will carry them in his arms and gently lead those that are with young’ Isaiah 40 v 11 – It is God who made you a mother and he knows the limitations that this season brings.
It felt like God was reminding me that he ordained me to be a mum for my little girl, and that he knew it was a hard season and saw my limitations. Although it seems obvious, it wasn’t grounding my reality and this simple reminder God gave me was so gracious.
I’ve been trying to remind myself of this when I’ve been feeling guilty or simply incapable of this role he has given me.
Guilt
One the subject of guilt she has a helpful exercise to complete: for each thing you feel guilty about answer:
- What is the reason for the guilt?
- Have I really done something wrong?
- What wrong thoughts/lies/idals are feeding my sin or unjustified sense of condemnation?
- What does the Bible say that could help me correct my thoughts?
Such a helpful exercise to work out whether it’s completely ridiculous what you’re feeling guilty about or whether it’s based on our sin or wrong way of thinking that we need to reset our minds to the truth about God.
Thankfulness
There are four areas she gives that motherhood gives you opportunities to grow in grace
- Motherhood teaches us how to make sacrifices for the good of others
- Motherhood teaches us patience and self control
- Motherhood teaches you not to worry so much about material things
- Motherhood helps us to understand the fatherhood of God
Each area has goodness and truth in it, I can’t do it justice, you need to read it yourself.
Perfectionism
Her mother wrote her a letter that resonated with all the frustrations I’ve had since having a small human and being able to achieve nothing most days beyond keeping her fed, clean and healthy.
You have high standards in all you do, and that’s the way God has made you, but that makes you vulnerable to feelings of inadequacy and failure as the tasks are too numerous and too demanding for us.
Daily life is a grind because we live in a fallen world with fallen bodies corrupted by sin. We find it so frustrating when we can glimpse perfection but cannot achieve it because there are not enough hours in the day or because our hands are tied up doing other vital things.
Our bodies have limitations and we must recognise those limitations and accept imperfection here on earth. That may mean a messy house, a backlog of letters, a growing pile of laundry and a scruffy garden. Few of those things will exist in 100 years time.
You may sometimes feel you are sinking, but in fact you are persevering and putting up a fight. You may feel totally empty, drained, useless but you are still persevering.
Perseverance is an integral part of Christian character and is only developed through testing experiences which sometimes appear beyond our ability to bear.
Every time I reread this, I’m still in awe of the wisdom.
If we could do everything, then we wouldn’t need God’s help. The more I’ve felt inadequate, the more I’ve had to lean on God and constantly reassess my priorities.
Part 2: An A-Z of tips for looking after your children and home
This is full of practical tips to help with the daily task of motherhood that she has found so far.
My favorite one was Y.
Y is for Yes
As a general rule, I try to say yes to my children’s requests whenever possible. I’m not talking about being child-centered or spoiling them, but if they want to go somewhere or do something that is in line with biblical standards, why cause a battle or send them into a rebellious sulk thinking that ‘Mum never lets me do anything’ simply because what they want is not convenient for me or not what I am in the mood for?
Being affirmative and positive whenever possible allows you to pick your battles. When you do say no to something they will realize that there is a good reason for it and will be more likely to respect your explanation.
This is something that becomes increasingly relevant as your children get older and start to make more decisions for themselves. They need to learn to analyse screens, places, situations, and activities through a biblical lens.
When you do say no, use Scripture to show them why you don’t think a certain activity would be honoring to God or beneficial to them. But don’t become a miserable restrictive mother who often says no to legitimate things, just because you can’t be bothered. Be a mother who usually says yes and celebrates her children’s interests.
I love the thinking around this, being a mum who sacrifices her ease for her children’s enthusiasm wherever possible and guiding them in wisdom when she says no. This is a rule I want to remind myself of every day.
Summary Review
This book was honest, encouraging, refreshing and a bit of a lifeline if I’m honest. Everyone should read this, so if your friends has a baby, buy this for them. If you lead a church, buy 10 of them and keep them to hand for new parents.
If someone in the family has a baby, buy this for them. You get the idea – you can purchase it on 10ofthose.com website.
