I feel like it’s meant to be a very meaningful and deep quote, but I keep coming back to it and it doesn’t add up.
When is it brave to make a change?
There are circumstances where it takes courage to make a move. Perhaps when your job has been increasingly overwhelming and is taking too much from your personal life. Perhaps if you decide to move 1000 miles to be closer to family members.
Perhaps when your doctorate is nearly finished but you realise it’s not quite answering the right question. Perhaps when you have realised you’ve slowly become quite unhealthy and have to make some lifestyle changes.
Perhaps when you’ve been consistently following a method of discipline that’s not working for your child.
Perhaps when you’ve realised that you’re relying on alcohol a little too much and need to cut it out. Perhaps when you’ve decided to adopt a child even though you have a very comfortable life right now.
Sometimes there are times when it’s easier to coast along with your current circumstances, rather than turn around and swim upstream. But what I can’t justify that quote to is a marriage.
Of course, I have to caveat here right away there is one circumstance where I absolutely do think making a change is the bravest thing to do, and that is the change of an abusive partner.
Getting out of that situation can be extremely difficult and requires a lot of bravery, courage and support.
No one would deny the truth of that.
But it would seem this isn’t the case here, in fact, they go on to say “The big takeaway is that this is about just as much love and joy as it has always been. This is only about taking a step forward into a better life for everybody involved.”
This would imply for various reasons, it just hasn’t worked out and it’s better for everyone involved to divorce.
This way of thinking is such an accepted part of mainstream thinking today in our culture. If it’s not working, then it’s the right time to walk away. Hollywood portrays it in film after film.
Is this how family is meant to be?
Whilst some divorces claim to be ‘amicable’, the majority of them are very traumatic for the individuals involved. And what about the children implicated in this? You don’t have to research much to see the statistics about how children of divorced parents are distinctly more disadvantaged and affected compared to children whose parents are still together.
Just from stats on how children are disadvantaged, it’s clear that divorce is not how it’s meant to be. Marriage wasn’t designed to end in divorce. Even in the Bible there are circumstances where it was permitted – adultery, neglect and abandonment. Beyond that, the covenant of marriage was made to be respected and carefully and lovingly adhered to.
What does this mean if there are problems?
It seems that for most couples who have major problems, they didn’t just appear one day. It was a very gradual thing. When marriage is not proritised and protected, it’s easy for it to slip into neglect.
Whether that’s focusing on children for 20 years at the cost of your relationship, working towards very different goals or just not putting in much time and effort into the marriage, it’s not an overnight thing.
This means little things are really important in a relationship. It’s not something that should just be ignored or simply vented about with colleagues. It means you need to sit down with your spouse and talk about it. Every little thing.
Because in marriage, the little things become the big things. If everytime there is an issue in marriage, you learn how to sit down, talk about it and work through a resolution, your marriage will be a very healthy relationship.
If there are things that you are working on and you are struggling to resolve together, bring in some wise counsel around you. It might be a good idea to have some counseling if there are particularly challenging issues. And please don’t think counseling means you’ve failed – it means you’re succeeding because you’re trying to fix things.
This person even said she wanted to do this ‘to set an example to her daughter’. She truly believes her daughter will be better off watching her parents break up and start relationships (probably multiple relationships) rather than seeing them decide together to repair and fix their marriage? Will her daughter see giving up as the best option as she grows up and starts her own relationship?
So What is the Bravest Thing to Do in Marriage?
Ultimately, the bravest thing you can do in a marriage is work hard to resolve your problems together and continue to love your spouse throughout all of it. It will be harder than just giving up and moving on. But no marriage (beyond the scenarios already mentioned) is too far gone if both people desire to repair it.
So I’ve fixed the quote below.
“The bravest thing in the world is to recognise when something’s not working and to make a move take active steps to repair it”.
Because the most beautiful things in life take time, effort and commitment.
