Topics that are easier to talk about are: childcare, sex, and even housework.
A third of couples believe they’re incompatible with their partner around financial decisions like saving, and a third say they keep secrets from their parents around their finances, be it extra savings or additional debt.
In the UK, based on research by Legal&General:
- 32% of couples share all their income
- 16% of couples have separate accounts for most things but a joint account for expenses, which partners contributed based on their income
- 14% of couples have separate accounts for most things but a join account with equal contributions
- 32% of couples keep their finances completely separate
And if the stats were already poor, due to the cost of living crisis 35% of Brits have said it’s put a strain on their relationships whilst a further 28% admitted it’s led to more frequent arguments.
What is a tricky subject has become even more difficult over the last two years and doesn’t look like it will get any easier anytime soon.
So why has family finance become a more controversial subject?
It was fairly straightforward in the past – the husband being the breadwinner and the wife being a stay-at-home mother and homemaker.
Whilst there were negatives (the woman didn’t have many options to work outside the home and the male tended to control the finances), it was viewed that whilst the husband worked, the wife cared for the children and the home and therefore as they were working towards a common goal then the money didn’t belong to only the individual who had ‘earnt’ it.
Contrast this to the modern day.
Now there is a huge increase of cohabiting instead of couples getting married. It’s much more normal now for a woman to have a career as well.
Stay-at-home dads is now a thing. Women can earn more than their partners.
Out of all these changes probably the change that is affecting finances, the most is that more couples cohabit. Legal & General shared that 91% of joint account holders are married, compared to 55% of those with separate accounts. That’s a big statistic.
More people co-habit now than ever before in the UK and the stats say that cohabitors aren’t as comfortable to have a joint bank account.
Do people who opt to cohabit do so because they’re not sure if they will stay together, compared with the married couples who have made vows to do so?
Regardless of the reason why, less couples have a joint bank account.
And this is an easy way to self-sabotage the relationship.
Everyone will have their own reasons, but a very common one now is that people want to be independent, and especially financially independent. One of my previous colleagues said ‘Who would have a joint bank account these days? You need to be ready to go at any time’.
A joint bank account says…. We make financial decisions together.
This is an obvious consequence. If you have a separate bank account, you don’t need to make any financial decisions together. You can still do that, but you don’t need to. You don’t need to discuss the right amount to spend on this, how much you want to save this month, how much you will treat yourself. It’s your money and you make the call on this.
If you have a joint bank account everything needs to be discussed, because it’s transparent what is coming in and what is going out of that account. You need to agree together how much you want to spend on this, how much you want to save this month, what your budget for holidays or heating is going to be.
And surprisingly, discussing until you have both agreed and maybe compromised and got to a conclusion is a sign of a very healthy relationship. You don’t make your decisions separately. Even the hard conversations need to happen for you to be on the same page about finances.
A joint bank account says…. We are in this for the long haul
If you don’t think you’ll stay with someone forever, of course you wouldn’t share your money. That could get very messy and awkward and you could be worse off financially. But why would you be with someone you don’t think you’ll stay together with? As well as being a waste of money, it’s a waste of time, effort and energy.
Getting a joint bank account means you are one. Your finances are now one. You have no intention of leaving.
A joint bank account says…. We are teammates working towards a shared goal
You can’t keep money separate in a joint account. It’s not yours and mine, it’s just ours now. That means once it’s in your account, it doesn’t matter who earnt more. You are both working (and that may be paid or non-paid employment) and this money is going to help you live your life together.
That means you might be saving for a house deposit, an extension, a holiday, a baby or for your pension. You’re teammates who know what your plan is with money, how you want to use it and why you’re both working hard to earn that money.
A joint bank account says…. I trust you
Remember that statistic from earlier? A third of couples have secrets from their partner around finances. If you go all in with a joint bank account, that means there shouldn’t be any secrets now. They all need to come out and be laid bare. And you might need to have a difficult conversation such as ‘I think I’m addicted to online shopping’, or ‘I think I need to stop being so stingy’ or ‘maybe you need to start thinking about starting a pension’.
Ultimately, if you want to have a good marriage, it’s going to come down to trust. Do you really trust this person?
If you’re holding onto secrets about your money, how can you be fully open and intimate with your spouse?
If you don’t trust them to make wise decisions with money, how will you trust them to parent your children? If you can’t commit to this person with your finances, why are you committing to them in other (more personal) ways?
The caveat…
It would be remiss to not mention that financial abuse is a very real thing. If any sort of abuse is happening in a relationship, it’s not healthy and you need to ask for external help.
I know some people will have grown up through a messy divorce and resolved to never get caught in that situation again. But without trust, it’s impossible to have a good relationship. You might always be ‘ready to go’ but that communicates something to your spouse. And it’s not a positive message.
It’s your money. You decide what approach you take to manage your money. But remember you can sabotage your own relationship if you don’t want to fully commit.
