I was sat between two friends recently. One was pregnant with her second child talking to someone expecting.
She said ‘Oh you don’t want to breastfeed, it’s too hard and I need to sleep. It’s much easier to just give a bottle’.
Often the better option will come at cost to you, for the good of your child.
But what I’m seeing more and more in the UK is that as a society and our culture, today is that community, and caring for others is becoming less important.
What’s most important is you as an individual and your rights. And therefore you should be making all your decisions around what’s best for you.
Framing the question differently
The repercussions in motherhood are that when making a decision instead of framing the question ‘What is best for my child’ the question is ‘What is going to be best for me’.
I need to caveat something important here. My initial story was about choosing to not breastfeed.
What I am not saying here is that every mother should breastfeed.
There are a lot of medical reasons as to why that might not be a possibility, and the last thing I would want is to add guilt to a mother who just wasn’t able to do it.
However, what I have seen is many women who tried it once or twice, or who didn’t try it at all. Because they didn’t like the thought of it, they wanted to sleep and they thought it would be too hard.
There is an abundance of studies (such as NHS or Unicef) to show the benefits of breastfeeding for a baby.
Starting with breastfeeding
It’s the best thing for a baby (remember, there are caveats). But women give up so quickly because it’s not easy for them.
It’s not convenient. It requires a lot of sacrifices.
But ultimately, the number of breastfeeding mothers is a sign that we are putting our ease before the good of our babies.
We have one of the lowest breastfeeding rates in the world.
Another example is screen time.
I naively thought this was an issue for when children are a little older but was surprised to see that 3 months old were being propped up to watch something.
Again, my issue here is not that children should never watch anything. But the reasoning is ‘well the day is long and I get bored’ ‘I can do what I want’ ‘They’re quieter so I can have some peace and quiet’.
The decision for screen time doesn’t end up being made around the child, but actually what’s easier for the mother.
Being lazy with discipline
I’ve seen it around discipline as well (and I’m not saying this is easy!) where parents are too tired and can’t be bothered to put in the time and effort early on with consistency.
They use empty threats because in that moment they can’t be bothered to follow through with the punishment.
They give in to the child because they don’t want a tantrum.
In those moments, the question becomes ‘What is easiest for me’.
And how many other areas to decide
Other things parents have to consider are food, dummies, schooling, clothing, family size, medical decisions, extracurricular activities and encouraging friendships.
Or what about toys, diet, sleep training, what you put on social media, religions, gaming, moving house and childcare.
The list goes on: boundaries with family, free time, holidays, film choices, weaning, tooth fairies, routines, nappies and the list goes on.
Please hear me. I’m not saying pick the hardest option for every decision to feel you’re being the best mother.
That’s not what a good mother does. I’m not saying make unsustainable choices. That’s not what a good mother does.
Sometimes you may have to opt for a less than an ideal decision in light of bigger situations. Sometimes you need to make a decisions in order to survive that day. Or that in-law visit, that medical treatment, that fourth pregnancy…
But I wonder whether we need to reevaluate as a society if we need to step back from prioritising our own needs above everything else.
Not that this was done perfectly in the past by any means. But we need to become less selfish.
Becoming more prioritized on our children
We need to make harder decisions if it’s for the good of our children. Motherhood is not easy. And I don’t want to add on more guilt.
But i’d like to challenge you that the next decision you’re facing, you think about what’s best for your children rather than what’s easiest for you.
Motherhood is a role that demands daily sacrifices.
But let’s love our kids in these days when we get to make decisions for them – by choosing what’s best for them.
